My uncle once: pushed a car of teenagers into an intersection with his car because they flipped him off as they passed.
Never in my life: have I done everything I was ‘supposed’ to do, when I should have done it.
When I was five: my brother and sister told me they would wait outside for me to walk me to my first day of kindergarten. They didn’t. I ran to school crying.
High School was: pretty alright with me. I don’t miss it, but I do wish I wouldn’t have been such a pansy.
I will never forget: kind gestures relayed my way.
I once met: Willie Nelson. And Dave Matthews. And Landon from the Real World.
There’s this girl I know who: says GOOOOD MORRRRNING like an Englishman just to make me smile.
Once, at a bar: I met my husband. It was a bowling alley bar. It was everything I dreamed it could be.
By noon, I’m usually: about to eat my face out of hunger.
Last night: I unexpectedly didn’t turn down my husband’s request for sex.
If only I had: willpower over my nemesis/lover, chocolate.
Next time I go to church: will be for a funeral/wedding/baptism.
Terry Schiavo: may you RIP
What worries me most: is being on the wrong side of a fight with fiber.
When I turn my head left, I see: the shower curtain my boss used to use to cover herself to nurse.
When I turn my head right, I see: a list of ticket requests for a Phish show.
You know I’m lying when: my mouth is moving. Nooooo, jk. Hmmm. When it seems ridiculous or my voice takes on a story telling vibe.
What I miss most about the eighties: two words. Teen. Witch.
If I was a character in Shakespeare’s time, I’d be: bummed at all the plague and smelliness.
By this time next year: my procrastination and inner monologue will have reached a fever pitch.
A better name for me would be: Gert
I have a hard time understanding: asexual beings. and I feel sorry for them.
If I ever go back to school, I’ll: kick my own ass.
You know I like you if: I listen when you’re talking.
If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: the Academy, for giving a girl like me a shot at my dreams.
Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: don’t take no bullshit.
Take my advice: the only thing a girl should chase is her vodka.
My ideal breakfast is: a western omlette and hashbrowns with fresh grapefruit juice and a soy milano
A song I love, but do not own is: non-existent. if I love it, I own it.
If you visit my hometown, I suggest: plugging your nose.
Tulips, character flaws, microchips, & track stars: lovely, lovely, small and muscley
Why won’t people: stop eating McDonald’s?
If you spend the night at my house: I’ll bake you brownies and toss you a beer.
I’d stop my wedding for: n/a. I stopped that shit for no one.
The world could do without: my opinion.
I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: the crotch of Rosie O’Donnell.
My favorite blonde is: a fun one.
Paper clips are more useful than: fluorescent lights.
If I do anything well, it’s: love.